GUIDE TO BEING BADASS

            “ “…so how much force should to applied on the body M in this direction so that the body remains in an equilibrium?”

            Mrs. Sharma glances towards XII-D to see 30 blank faces. Amongst the crowd one hand shot straight up and none of the kids even bothered to look at who it was.

            “Ma’am, for the body to remain in equilibrium we will need to apply a total of force 35N.”, the student confidently answered.

            “Thank you Shaurya. You may sit.” Even Mrs. Sharma wasn’t at all baffled or even slightly impressed by the 16 year old boy’s answer. He was the only student who according to the teachers ‘has hope’ in succeeding in life.

            Shaurya Aggarwal was the topper of his class right from first grade. He was nurtured to be the perfect student, without flaws or defects. He was brought up in such an environment that he had no connections or any form of contact with any human being outside his condo other than school. His mind was nurtured to dwell in the world of textbooks, a training which took him far ahead of everyone in class though he was lagging behind in the real world. Time doesn’t wait for anyone and thus it didn’t even wait for Shaurya. The world moved on while he still live in the 2000s.

            The school bell rung and all of the students sprinted out of their daily morning prison with their cell mates and a reverberation of different gossips were being heard in the hallway.

            Shaurya put all his books in his bag, double-strapped and slowly walked out of his class.

            “Hey Siddharth, isn’t that the guy you were talking about? I cant believe that he lives in 2014 but doesn’t even have a Facebook account or a phone for himself. What a nerd.” A whisper hit Shaurya’s ear. When some more loud whispers followed haunting him, he quickly walked towards his car.

            Initially Shaurya used to ignore all these comments which he used to hear on a daily basis but lately they were starting to torment him. He didn’t understand what he was doing wrong? He was exactly doing what he was being told to do for all these years. During the 30 minute car trip to his house he understood one thing and he wanted to overcome it. He realized that he was a puppet whose hands were tied up and he was doing what he was told to do for all these years, He needed to break the strings and be set free.

            As soon as he reached home he locked his room and turned on the computer. He wondered for a while why he always thought of this machine to supplement his studies and why he never used it to for the more common purposes like Facebook, Youtube or games etc. He quickly erased these thoughts and proceeded to double clicking an icon tagged Internet Explorer. He remembered his elder brother used to use the internet a lot and he used to define it to Shaurya as the world’s largest textbook. Shaurya knew that his brother was mocking him but he did wonder what the extremes of this World Wide Web were. He opened Google and typed in the search bar:

‘How to be Cool’

Many links popped up in front of him but there was one link which caught his eye. It said :

‘How to be a Badass’

He clicked the link and started reading…

‘HOW TO BE BADASS

            A badass isn’t an annoying prick. He is the man all women secretly desire and all men look up to. Think of badass and there is just one guy I remember: Gru from Despicable Me. He is one real badass and there is no denying that. To be a badass you can do 2 things.

            One, strap your earphones on, play the Despicable Me soundtrack on a loop, walk very slowly with a little bounce in your step and stare at every guy who walks past you with a smug expression.

                        A badass is a guy who doesn’t care about anything. He just exists. Everyone else, well they either serve him or get in his way. A badass isn’t an alpha. He isn’t a bad boy either. He’s just a scary guy who is somehow extremely intimidating yet so darn awesome. Everyone wants to be a badass, because badass makes everything look so cool.

            A badass isn’t a prick who goes hurting people for no reason. He is just an awesome guy who knows he is above other mortal men.

            The most important trait of being a badass is his unpredictable nature. He keeps his secrets close and emotions shut unless he releases it with a vengeance.

Or two, be a badass all the time by following the given instructions:

·        Stop worrying about everyone’s opinions. You know who you are and your loved ones love the person you are. So stop trying to please everyone you meet in life.

·        A badass never fidgets. Nervous wannabes fidget. A badass moves with calculated precision and never cracks his knuckles or shuffles his feet when he is stationary.

·        Badass have a piercing gaze when they’re have a conversation with someone. If they are happy the corner of their lips curls into a small smile. If they are displeased, their expression turns into a grimace that makes anyone feel like they are going to get punched in the face.

·        A badass doesn’t shake or nod their head for every line they hear. When you are having a conversation with someone just stare at them or answer with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. It will intimidate anyone you speak to.

·        A badass is a succinct. Never use six words when you can use one. A badass never indulges in idle conversations. Always keep your sentences short. It will make the other person to talk more and fill in the gaps and that leaves them feeling intimidated.

·        A badass’ smile is a rare phenomenon. It’s seen only on rare occasions. Your smile should feel like a compliment to the other person. So don’t smile unless you are laughing maniacally.

·        Speak in a low and firm voice without a quiver all the time. A man who uses a high pitch is never a Badass, he is the guy craving for attention.

·        Never wait for a thank you. Hold the door open for a girl but leave before she can turn and say thank you. This makes them want to know you.

·        People who are extremely confident and full of themselves always speak slowly because they don’t care about wasting another person’s time. On the other hand if you are a fast talker, be firm and commanding. It has the same badass effect because it reveals that you don’t have time to waste on others. But never let anyone cut you in between when you are talking.

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All said and done, a badass is ruthless and emotionless only with the people he interacts with professionally. When it comes to his personal life, he is a very loving, respectful and decent man who cares for his family and loves them to death.

The badass is a wall he builds to protect himself from the lesser mortals and people that don’t matter to him. To the ones he loves, he is warm and caring, and never has an ego.”

           

            There was an outburst of applause form the crowd. On the stage stood an Indian man who was around his 20s wearing a smart suit and tie.

            A lady hoped onto the stage, “Thank you Mr. Shaurya Aggarwal for spending your valuable time and coming here to TED Talks.”

            Shaurya smirked, then turned back and the curtains fell.

The Columban Ideology

I guess my blog is a sign of good luck and therefore I am qrriting another post so quickly. You see if you read my previous post about GIRL PROBLEMS you would have got to know that due to some foolish doings of mine I had lost contact to around 3-4 friends of mine. I usually go out for a walk everyday and today I decided to walk for a bit long. After an hour I decided that before going back home I sit in thr park across the road for some time. As I was listening to "Give Me Some Sunshine" I heard a small voice calling my name. I ignored it and took a few more steps. Then a combination of different voices shouted - "Niranjan!!!". I turned. To my left 3 girls waved towards me as they were sitting bickering about their life. With them sat a fourth who didn't show any such interest but had a small smirk on her face. I recognized them all. How could I forget them... I had just written about them all a week ago in my public web journal. They included the 3 girls who I had lost due to the fight and also the girl herself. I sat there with them for a couple of seconds that questions started to flow towards me... I was meeting them all face to face after an year or so therefore I was expecting questions like - "How are you?" or -"Hows life?". But as said in the earlier post, you just cant understand women. The first question that came to me was "Where is your dog?"... Not my fault you see... My dog is cuter than anything imaginable but I could have at least got some sympathy. Place me atleast before my dog. Nevermind. After some time the conversation changed to why I stopped apearring on WhatsApp and then back to my dog. One even preordered my dog's baby 3 years in advance. Nevertheless, what I am trying to say is that its either fate or my simple luck that just a few days after writing my blog I end up meeting all of them together. So why not try and write another blog and see if something else strikes me this time.
During this 5 minute talk with my old friends who I united with, a topic rose up which reminded me of something which I wanted to write in my blog. There is another girl Manya Sharma in my  colony who studies in the girls school just opposite to my school. So this girl-friend of mine asks me that do I know Manya? In my batch in my school its almost a sin if you dont know a list of girls and I guess Manya Sharma comes in the top 3.
I had heard a lot of stories about Manya in my school and according to different sources I had got to know that she was also the girlfriend of a couple of Columbans. Then her next question was whether I know Atif Naseer... I should have expected this question coming to me. You see, like the girl hit list we have in my school , even the girls school opposite to us has a hit list and this guy Atif tops all such lists of every school. I dont know what girls see in him other than him being tall and having a decent body but every girl studying in Delhi between the age group of 14-17 must be knowing Atif. He is a celebrity.
I would like to give an example to prove my case:-
Once I was searching a girl in my colony on Facebook who barely anyone in the colony knew about and in the end when I found her I saw that we had one mutual friend. When I checked to see who it was, it was the one and only Atif Naseer. Search any girl one Facebook and you would find Atif as her friend even if he doesnt even know her.
But why am I saying all this? You see in my school if someone finds about anything interesting, it will spread in my school in about a week but if you find out that a guy has a girlfriend or even a girl-friend the news will spread in barely 2 hours. That is the problem of an only boys school. Shortage of girls. The only girls or anyone of that gender we interact with are the teachers who are usually old, fat, short and ugly( apologies to any teacher of my school reading this post.). So what happens is that if any girl comes into topic everyone becomes so damn interested. This is what I want to talk about, something I would like to call THE COLUMBAN IDEOLOGY.
The Columban Ideology is a way a person believes in what he sees and how he interprets it. The Columban Ideology was first brought up in the Columban Bible.
According to this bible you need to adheer to some beliefs if you want to call yourself a Columbanist.
BELIEF 1- A Columban can never have a friend who is a girl.
This is the primary belief and the base of being a Columban. It mainly means you cant even have one girl-friend on Facebook or any other social networking website. If you dont follow this you have to pay for it very severely. If any other Columban finds a girl-friend in your profile then she will start getting friend requests from complete strangers till iternity. As said before, due to shortage of women Columbans dont know how a girl can just be a friend and thus any girl becomes your girlfriend if she is your friend. Thus the name of the girl spreads in the school, even to the juniors as your girlfriend due to which you get mocked till your grave. The sad thing is that even if they see your cousin sister who is in your age group she would become your girlfriend till you explain literally everyone in school that she is just your cousin sister.
BELIEF 2 - A Columban can never talk to a girl.
This is one of the strictest beliefs written in the columban bible and even the school itself trains you for this. Being a boys asylum we are detached from this opposite sex  due to which till we pass grade 12 we are made to talk only to men. The only scope we have of meeting this species is if we join any institute for coaching but our school doesnt appreciate this too. They teach us that you are capable of learning everything on your own due yo which you dont need to join any tution. What they dont understand is that if they dont let us go in such classes we would become dumb when we join a college until we join another boys asylum after 12th. My school doesnt even learn from its mistakes. If this keeps on going we would end up becoming like Rajesh Koothrapalli who was also a Columban. Anyway this training our school provides is really effective cause if you make a Columban stand in front of a girl he wont be able to speak till he is drunk. I had the advantage of talking to this breed in class 7. According to the bible if a girl comes to you and asks you anything what you have to do is give a polite smile and then run back and hide behind a pillar or anything possible. If you dont do this and anyone else is seeing you talking to this girl you start getting mocked that she is your girlfriend etc. The main pillar of the Columban Bible is that if there is any girl in your life, she is your girlfriend.
BELIEF 3 - Never give a phone number of a girl to any Columban.
If there is a rare case that you have a number of a girl who you know well, never entrust the number to any other Columban or show the number in accident. Doing this could be absolutely fatal. A phone number is something which goes viral the fastest in St. Columba's. If you do the mistake of giving a girl's number to a Columban you will start seeing the number everywhere, from the class blackboard to your uniform. Not only this, because of your mistake the girl would have to live a life filled with prank call on your name. Everyday she would start recieving calls from random people saying that they are you  and talk all sorts of crap. This will not only ruin your friendship,it may lead to destroying your friendship with this girl.
BELIEF 4 - Never chat with a girl on WhatsApp
Whenever you have an outing with other Columbans you will always take your phone with you and your friend will check your phone. It is pretty obvious that he will stumble upon WhatsApp. This could be fatal too. If he opens it and sees you have a conversation with a girl he will read the complete conversation and most probably text something stupid back to her which may start a fight between you and her.
The same will occur if you give your Facebook password to any other Columban.
If you follow all these beliefs you can proudly call yourself a true Columban. I sadly have defied all these beliefs at least once in my life so I do know what are the concequences of defying them. If you are not a Columban and you do adhere to all these beliefs then you should probably change your school to Columba's.
During our class 10 graduation all those who had gone against the Bible were awarded by the name of their respective girls whose name they had made viral in their school being written on a blackboard. So approximately 200 names of girls were written on one blackboard and the photo was posted on Facebook for everyone to see. So I am warning you all right now, dont even try to defy these beliefs.
As for me , I have already paid the price.